Newly Engaged Woes

QUESTION:

I just got engaged, but I am not bubbling over with excitement like most newly engaged couples I know. Is there something wrong with me? Is this a sign that things are just going to go downhill from here?

ANSWER:

Congratulations to you and your beloved!

There is nothing wrong with you.

Stay in touch with how you feel about your beloved. Let no outside forces dictate how you are “supposed” to feel. Although you may be concerned about how you are feeling, you are connecting to a very typical range of emotions and doubts. You are aware that you are not “bubbling over with excitement.” This does not mean that “things are going downhill” or that you will not have a successful marriage.

Here are five suggestions I offer to you and your beloved:

Don’t edit how you feel. Acknowledge each emotion, and then move on.

Find healthy ways to express yourself. Be real with yourself and your man about how you are feeling. Don’t suppress your emotions. If you are frustrated, find an outlet. Write in your journal, talk to your therapist, or chat with a trusted friend.

Trust yourself. Trust your man. Trust the strength of your relationship.

I assume that if you are engaged, you have come to a point in your relationship where you can talk about anything and everything. Develop the rapport. Let nothing fester. Speak your mind sooner rather than later.

Give yourself the gift of personal space.

As you plan for the wedding and move forward, you will be confused, frustrated, hopeful. The entire emotional range will come your way, but make sure that you give yourself and your man downtime. If you need to do a brunch date with the girls, go out and have fun! If your man needs some time with his boys and goes to a baseball game, that’s good for him, too! Just because you are engaged, it does not mean that you have to lose your individual identities as well.

Don’t let well-intentioned friends, family, and observers overwhelm you.

We adore the collective wisdom of our many friends and relatives, but at the end of the day, what counts is the partnership of respect and love you share with your beloved. Give love with limits. If you have a very wonderful but busybody auntie who likes to give everyone unsolicited advice, kindly let her know that her words will be considered, but at some point, she needs to mind her own business.

Pay attention to each other in ordinary and extraordinary ways.

Enjoy the glow of love! Do ordinary things for each other, such as by leaving a sexy surprise note on the bathroom mirror in the morning. And also do the extraordinary, by planning a special Caribbean getaway weekend. Good love is hard work, but you are up to the challenge.

Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your man. Be patient on the journey. Make no comparisons with others. Don’t stress yourself out unnecessarily. Everyone has their own tests, joys, and journeys. Consider yourself blessed that you have found someone to walk with you on your journey.

In an earlier column, I recommended the book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. Chapman tells us that there are five languages of love. These are:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Receiving gifts

4. Acts of service

5. Physical touch

If you want to learn more about these secret love languages, go to www.fivelovelanguages.com. Most important, stay committed to healthy, thriving, and everlasting love. Begin to focus on the opportunity to develop a life-long collaboration with your beloved. Own, celebrate, and enjoy this exceptional and sacred time in your life.

Trust your gut. Sustain the glam. Maintain your grace.