QUESTION: I have been separated for 2 years and my divorce will soon be final. The split was amicable and I would like us to be friends but my ex husband treats me like we are still married and thinks he has a right to know what I am up to, especially since we have a young child together. How can I make him stop?

HIS ANSWER: Right now you are standing on the cliff top afraid to jump off. You want to take the next step but are afraid to do so because you don’t know what it will look like.

Is this divorce something that you really want? Is there no way the problems can be sorted out? Sometimes things just get out of hand and a simple disagreement takes on bigger consequences. It is a good time to stop and reassess where you are both at.

It sounds like he may not want this divorce and if so, then a conversation is needed to find out exactly what he does want. He is possibly finding it difficult to treat you as a separate entity and in this situation, people often look for the flimsiest of reasons to justify their behaviour. An innocent conversation about your day becomes the possibility of a reconnect, an innocent request for help around the house, becomes his justification that you must still want him.

Focus on who your husband is and on what you understand about him. He may need a more abrupt sequence of events, ending perhaps in you not talking to him at all, for him to get it. Everyone needs time to get over somebody and just because you may be ready to move on, doesn’t mean that he is.

It is a question of boundaries, and at the moment it sounds like you do not have any. You must establish some boundaries, so that when he asks you what you have been up to, you can politely let him know that that is none of his business. Be careful not to fall into the trap of avoiding conversations that you know will hurt him. Friendships work because the people involved feel free enough around each other to be honest. If there are any topics that you do not feel free enough to discuss with him, then can you really be friends? Or, is it more a case of appeasing him, preventing him getting hurt further so you get to keep him in your life under your terms.

Is it possible that although you say you are ready to divorce, you are not ready to be with what that actually means, i.e. the loss and support of the father of your child; putting yourself back into the dating ‘meat market’.  You may also be worried about him meeting someone else and moving on. Because what would you do then? 

The answer lies just beyond the cliff top, in a place you cannot yet see. Trust in yourself and in your good judgement, and

close your eyes,

take a deep breath,

and…

Good luck

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Question: When it comes to grieving, I turn to religion for guidance and comfort, but my fiancé isn’t religious. How do I help him through a difficult time without pushing my religious views on him?

Answer:

It seems to me that being religious gives you the perfect opportunity to be there for your loved one, but not necessarily in the way you think. Grieving can be a personal experience until the person feels strong enough to share and so firstly respect whichever way he chooses to initially grieve. Some people find religion at these times and some people do not. If he does, then you have the perfect in, if not then slowly introduce aspects into the equation that you think may help and remember you are not looking to convert anybody here!

What is more important is to be there for him in whichever way you can. Let him see that he has someone who is ready to listen and provide comfort, letting him know that he has all of your attention. Even those who are not religious can get angry at God when suffering a loss or trying times. Some people believe but choose not to practice and as a religious woman you shouldn’t judge him if this happens and neither should you make his views mean something about you.

On the reverse, your partner should also respect your views on religion. It works both ways and I would think that him being with you means that he accepts what your spiritual beliefs are. This opens up the question of what your relationship is based on and as long as you have the basic principles you should be okay.

But is there perhaps something deeper going on here? Does the fact that he is non religious bother you? Do you find it embarrassing when out with other religious friends? Does it make him a sinner or blasphemer in your eyes? It is important that you get to the bottom of exactly how you feel about this, maybe take this opportunity to talk about his views on religion. A lot of us do believe in something but do not tend to like organized religions, for whatever reason.

You obviously love your partner and want to be there for him should bad news come, in which case does it really matter what his religious beliefs are? At the end of the day, what is more important is that you are there for him in his hour of need, and you do not need a bible to be able to this. Remember why you are together in the first place and focus on these things that bind you, not on the things that get in the way.

Good Luck

by Austin Kentebe 

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QUESTION:  I am an African American Woman and I am dating a white man and everywhere we go we get looked at negatively and it makes him insecure and not want to go out anymore, what can I do to help him out to not strain our relationship.

ANSWER:  Is the real problem that he is uncomfortable dating a woman of colour, or that he simply doesn’t like attention when he is out? The fact that you are dating in the first place must suggest that he already has knowledge of the potential pitfalls, so maybe the problem lies elsewhere. Further probing is necessary. Where are you going out; what is it exactly that bothers him about the looks; do you get looks from both blacks and whites?

But in the same way that he is making a point of what he is going through, are you perhaps ignoring these valid issues? Why aren’t you bothered by these looks? Could you be overcompensating, just to make a point? is the ‘black experience’ behind your defiance against this outdated social bigotry?

One way to help him is by talking, openly and honestly about his concerns. It’s possible that your partner is harbouring feelings about something else or perhaps using this reason as an excuse to get out of the relationship, or stay indoors! I mean, we do live in the 21^st century, at a time when mixed relationships are pretty much the norm. Now, you may live in a place where such relationships are still slightly taboo, but if not there is no real reason as to his behaviour stemming from outside influence, no, it would suggest an inner struggle that he may be having coming to terms with the reality of dating across cultures or dating, full stop. If it is to do with where you live or go out, then maybe, if the love is serious enough, you should consider moving to a place where you can both be happy or, and more radically, facing up to the stares and funny looks, as pioneering mixed couples in the past have had to do.  

Let him know the reason why you are unconcerned and seemingly unaffected by these looks. He may just need reassurance from you that takes into account that part of you that feels the same way as he does and may wonder how you can be defiant, not defeated by it. As an ethnic minority you are probably used to sideways looks and glances whereas he is not. Help him to fit into a more cosmopolitan culture thereby allowing him to feel a part of a world he probably knows little about.

After all of this, if he is still feeling insecure being out with you, then this relationship is probably doomed. Look at what you really want from a partner and be honest about what is more important. Don’t settle for anything less and never underestimate the importance of culture in a relationship.

Good luck.

~by Austin Kentebe

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I married/divorced young. I’m now a 32 female back in the game. How can I tell if a guy likes me?

When you go out are you apprehensive around men? Are you carrying any baggage from your last relationship that has not yet been resolved? Are you comfortable talking to the opposite sex? Are you a wallflower, waiting for men to come to you? Whatever is happening, once you start to deal with the reasons behind it you will be in a clearer position to understand what is going on around you.

Being in a serious relationship so young may have had the effect of making you unaware of how to recognise the ‘come on’ signs and maybe also a little unsure as to what to do about them if you do notice them. The dating world may also have changed since you were last a part of that ‘scene’ and thus you may be out of date with what is okay to do, and what, if anything, is a total no no!

If on the other hand you are open, free and at ease with yourself and guys are still not feeling you, something else may be going on. Again you have to look at yourself to see if any part of your behaviour is perhaps not in synch with the people you are trying to attract. Are you too loud? Do you drink too much? Are you too opinionated? If guys are not interested in you then you need to ask yourself why the hell not?

So what can be done about it?

Focus on your strengths. On your side you have age, wisdom and the ability to talk straight, safe in the knowledge that you know what you now require in a relationship. Subconsciously you may be worried about being single at 32, but don’t let this get in the way. Be confident, happy and at peace with yourself and you will emit the positive energy that guys out there will pick up on, and if guys are picking up on it that means they are noticing you.

So how can you tell?

If you want to get practical, get a book on Body language. Even the most basic tips can help and they will give you something to look out for until you can trust that inner voice of yours. It is also a good idea to people watch in a bar, club or restaurant. Finally there is nothing stopping you asking the question directly. You don’t have to wait for a particular guy to tell you he is interested, you can get out there and tell him first!

Good luck

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Everyday my boyfriend calls me complaining about his job. How do I make him happy?

First of all you can’t necessarily make him happy, and it’s not really your job to. I say this because happiness is a choice we make as individuals; we choose to be happy or unhappy, period, and as much as we think others influence this decision, they do not. Because we always look for things to make us feel something good- money, etc. – we do not often realise that emotions come from within us, first and foremost, and we are in full control of them.

If your boyfriend is unhappy at work, you, first of all, need to know what is making him so unhappy that he feels the need to complain about it every day. Yes, complaining is a symptom of unrest, but also bear in mind that people who complain are not always looking for a solution. They get something from complaining. This could be sympathy from you, understanding from others, a friendly ear…the list is endless. If you buy into someone’s complaints they will often complain for a whole lot longer than necessary.

So what can you do?

Offer a friendly ear, suggest solutions, and see what happens. If your great advice is ignored and the complaints continue, then the real problem is probably not his job, and when you think about it, this makes sense because a job is an inanimate object (kind of like complaining about a football or a biscuit!). What he is possibly unhappy about is what you need to know, and this could be reflective of his position in life. For some people, jobs illustrate where they are in life. Not earning enough or not being in the right position could lead to complaining. The main point is that he may be unhappy about himself.

When it comes to making him happy, in short, you can’t. What is more important is to get to the source of his complaints and here you will need to think outside the in order to really see what his real issues are.

It sounds like he has a sounding board in you but do not take on his issues- they are not yours. Yes, you may feel for him but when these phone calls start to take over your day, it is time for them to stop. He is a big man who may just need to take control of his life so that when he calls, he is talking about happy things instead.

Good luck.

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Not everyone can have a “Hot Boy” because not everyone can handle one. You see, a hot boy has so many things going for him. For example, he could be ruggedly handsome, fit beyond Olympic standards, and as smart as a whip. These 3 things alone increase the number of women after him by a factor of thirty! So you are competing with a hell of a lot, even when he is safely tucked into your bed at night.

So how do you keep hold of a hot boy?

Well, the only sure way is by looking at who you need to be.

Be Understanding – know your man and all of his ever-changing needs. Just because he liked Jell-O pudding when you met doesn’t mean he wants it indefinitely. A new threat will see who he is now, not who he was way-back-when, so be attentive and ready to change tact at a moment’s notice.

Be Open – strange things happen, things that we don’t expect and think we can never understand, but that is what life is about. If confronted by a weird request or peculiar topic of conversation, don’t panic and run for the hills; simply apply some logic and deal with it, openly.

Be Tough – be prepared to take him on or to take somebody else out of the game if you have to. A hot boy needs to know that his woman can and will take care of herself if necessary and have his back in the process. Look after what you look after and maintain your side of the relationship bargain.

Be Attractive – maintain the beauty that he met you with and do not let yourself go, thinking that with the three kids safely sleeping upstairs your life is set. Not even jelly sets properly, all it takes is for someone to pour some hotness on it, and it quickly dissolves!

Be Alert – realise the enemy out there is you. You know what you would do and what others are capable of so rather than complain about the girl from the deli who favours him and ignores you, focus on what you know about her and take her out of the equation- one time.

Be Different –don’t do what everybody else does around him. If they cater to his every need, then you shouldn’t. Treat him slightly mean to keep him super keen and it will be you whom he loves and respects.

Ladies, with this new knowledge comes great power, and with this power, a great responsibility, so be careful who you share this with!

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Apart from flirting, brazenly grabbing a hold of him, or telling him after a few too many drinks just how you feel, there are other less in-your-face ways to show how much you may like a man. What is important is maintaining the right balance of both verbal and non-verbal communication. Being tactile always works, but to achieve this balance, take a note of the following tips:

Compliment him – on the way he dresses, drives, walks, eats, advises, tells jokes…whatever!. A compliment goes a hell of a long way, and he will never forget you. It is a sure-fire way to show him that you are feeling him.

Be interested in his interests – even if they are boring and not your thing. Just because it may be something you don’t like doesn’t mean you cannot take an interest in it. You may find sports boring but if a man spends half of his day talking, watching, and playing sports, then it is obviously important to him.

Care about his issues and problems – Be an active listener and problem solver. By your  finding out and talking about what bothers, hurts, or angers him, he will feel he has someone who really cares about what he cares about. Offer help and advice where required and let him know you are there for him if he needs you.

Always make an effort – to look your best when you are with him. Show him how happy you are to make an effort. He will realise how much you must like him.

Ask for his advice – Share your problems and worries with him and allow him to throw in his two pence worth. If he sees that you respect his opinion, he will realise that you truly do like him.

Let your guard down – Let him see you at your most vulnerable state, whether that is when you are upset, or dressed in sweat pants and last decade’s converse sneakers! When you show him your vulnerable side he will feel that you trust him and this will endear him to you.

Be yourself – The best way to show someone you care is by being yourself in front of them. Women who put on pretence and hide the truth will end up with a man who does the same – not a great basis for a relationship. If you can be comfortable in front of him, he will be comfortable in front of you, and he will soon realise that you think he is more than alright!

Good luck and happy hunting!

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Open communication is key to a loving and lasting relationship. Whether it is verbal or non-verbal, it is always worth going that extra mile to secure the type of union you truly want. But with men and women being both similar and so very different, how do you build those channels of trust and communication over time?

Here are seven points to consider:

1. Be clear, consistent, and concise in your speaking and actions. Remember communication can be both verbal and non-verbal, so even though you may be wary of what you say, your body language is just as expressive.

2. Know what language he speaks in. Understand your man’s behavioural patterns, the way he talks, and what he does non-

verbally. You must learn how he communicates in order to fully comprehend his character.

3. “If you are going to spend money on a Prada bag, make sure it isn’t fake!” Do not say X when you really mean Y. If what you are saying is important, stand behind your statement and do not allow yourself to be swayed from it.

4. Accept him for who he is and who he isn’t. He may say something you don’t like or believe in something you don’t particularly care for, but rather than be judgmental or critical of his principles, respect your man for the stand that he is making. Remember that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as right or wrong, just a difference of opinions.

5. Don’t say “No” for the hell of it, or “Yes” for the show of it! As guys, we often take statements and actions at face value. If a woman says she doesn’t mind where she eats dinner for an upcoming anniversary, we tend to take her words literally. Therefore, a 180 on her part at a later time just confuses the whole issue and makes us think she is being awkward and irrational for the hell of it.

6. Be respectful of his dreams and desires, even if you are unwilling to fulfil them. Be in touch with your emotions and don’t feel obligated to satisfy your man’s wishes, if it makes you uncomfortable. Do not force yourself to commit to anything you don’t want to do, especially in the bedroom.

7. Share yourself with him. Let him know what your wants, needs, and desires are, and make sure he knows who you really are inside. Don’t take it for granted that he already possesses all this information. Be open enough with your man that you are showing both your vulnerable and strong side. This is not a sign of weakness, and when reciprocated, it will create an unbreakable bond between you and your man.

Above all else, remember that while building these open channels of communication will take time, be patient and enjoy this part of the journey. The end result will more than justify the means.

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Question: Is it okay to have summer flings?

Answer: Summer conjures up images of short skirts, bare legs, bikinis, ice cream cones, and beaches. From sunshine, fit bodies, and vacations to clandestine romantic meetings, a summer fling should be seen as an adventure, a step into the abyss of the unknown relationship. You can treat it like a game and see how many partners you can notch onto your bedpost, or you can treat it like a real relationship, only with a set time limit and a non-commitment waiver.

In fact, a fling anytime of the year is okay, as long as you take a number of things into account and try to obey a few rules along the way.

Understand your reasons. Be clear as to why you want to embark on a fling, or series of flings, in the first place and be honest with yourself about it. Whether it’s a rebound thing, a loneliness thing, or just purely a sex thing, know why so that you don’t build up any false hopes.

Choose carefully. Be selective in identifying a mate. Many men say they can handle a fling but in reality we can’t, not always anyway.

Be clear in your communication. Whoever you choose, make sure they fully understand what your rules are. Let them know that this is simply a summer thing and tell them what you are or are not looking for.

Set the time limit. Know how long you want this relationship to last, share this information with your partner, and try to stick to it.

Be prepared for the unexpected. Always be on your guard for the possibility that someone may be getting too attached to you or vice versa. Be open to the fact that the relationship may end up lasting longer than you expected with no clear end in sight.

Be careful. Always protect yourself from STDs and unwanted pregnancies.

Be consistent. If you do change the rules halfway through the relationship, let your “flingee” know. Maintain an open line of communication.

Enjoy yourself. Remember this is supposed to be fun so let your hair down and follow your impulses!

Above all else, remember that even though this may just be another fling, your heart may not necessarily know that. You could end up meeting Mr. Right and your heart could still get broken. A fling is a brief and casual relationship, and your reputation may come under attack because of it. Always be tactful, if not downright secretive, about these kinds of understandings.

So if a nice guy comes along as you are stretched out on your front lawn, or standing at the bar, or waiting for a cab, and he takes your fancy, just ask yourself, “Why not?”

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QUESTION: Does a girl’s friends tell guys anything about the woman they are going out with?

ANSWER: A girl’s friends tell us a lot about the girl we are going out with. Like their male counterparts, girls often hang out in packs, small groups of like-minded but often very different types of women. And any group of girls is made up of a variety of types.

The stunner, who gets all the male attention; the wannabe stunner, who gets some of the attention (but not as much as the stunner); the brainy caring one, who doesn’t have to rely on her looks to get a man; the ugly one (no comment); and the freak, who sleeps with everything and anybody!

In addition, there is a hierarchy, and it is important to know who the leader of the group is and what attitude she has. Now any one of the above types can be the leader, and this will determine, in part, how the rest of the group will act. A leader with a feisty personality is likely followed by a pack of women with similar temperaments; the “freak” leader may have followers who may all like to sleep around, just in vastly different numbers.

As soon as we work out who’s who amongst our girlfriend’s girl friends, understanding her gets that much easier. By watching and listening to what her friends do in any given situation, we are able to really understand our girl. We soon see how she may handle a particular issue and why, what kind of person she really is, how she feels about loyalty and trust, whether she has her own mind or is easily led, what she is likely to do on a given weekend, and much more.

Also, remember that your girl friends are full of stories about the past, and as a result, they are a veritable wealth of information. Good questioning can release those secrets that you may not want to tell us. You know, those embarrassing dates, what you got up to last Christmas, the time you got drunk and were found in the Giants’ locker room! All of these nuggets of mislaid information go a long way towards forming a clearer picture of just who our girl really is.

But most importantly, we gauge who our girl is based on who her friends are, and we take notice of what they do and what they are capable of doing.

So there you have it, your circle of friends says more about you than you can say about yourself. Now, as a woman, you may not be able to see it, but as a guy, we see a whole lot.

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