QUESTION: How do I go about getting a gay bff? Is it wrong of me to want one?

HER ANSWER:

It is not wrong to want a gay bff.

Let friendship happen.

Take heed to the lyrics of an old R&B song, “Don’t push it. Don’t force it. Let it happen naturally.”

Friendship is letting someone tell you the truth even when it hurts.  Friendship is about finding that buddy you can laugh and cry with. Friendship is the comrade you go on a road trip with and you are still speaking when you return home.

Remember, Charlotte and her gay bff, Anthony on the HBO smash hit series, Sex and the City? What was so endearing about Charlotte and Anthony is that they had (on the surface) nothing in common, but they opened up and let their relationship evolve slowly.  Anthony encouraged Charlotte to upgrade her wardrobe and redecorate her apartment.  But, more importantly, they tended to each other after love affairs gone wrong. They doled out useful career and personal advice to each other. As their relationship moved forward, they were not afraid to reveal their true emotions to one another and share their joy and pain.  It was no longer about a straight woman “getting” a gay bff.  It was about two friends going through the ups and downs of life…together.

Let me be bold. Don’t think man, woman, gay, straight, bi, transsexual, questioning or lesbian when seeking and maintaining friendship, think HUMAN BEING.

The Golden Rule that my grandmother shared with me so many years ago still applies, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Don’t try to label or define the characteristics of the friendships you want. Be yourself and you will attract the friendship your heart truly deserves.

You never know, your next incredible and fulfilling friendship may be coming your way when you least expect it. 

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QUESTION: I have been separated for 2 years and my divorce will soon be final. The split was amicable and I would like us to be friends but my ex husband treats me like we are still married and thinks he has a right to know what I am up to, especially since we have a young child together. How can I make him stop?

HIS ANSWER: Right now you are standing on the cliff top afraid to jump off. You want to take the next step but are afraid to do so because you don’t know what it will look like.

Is this divorce something that you really want? Is there no way the problems can be sorted out? Sometimes things just get out of hand and a simple disagreement takes on bigger consequences. It is a good time to stop and reassess where you are both at.

It sounds like he may not want this divorce and if so, then a conversation is needed to find out exactly what he does want. He is possibly finding it difficult to treat you as a separate entity and in this situation, people often look for the flimsiest of reasons to justify their behaviour. An innocent conversation about your day becomes the possibility of a reconnect, an innocent request for help around the house, becomes his justification that you must still want him.

Focus on who your husband is and on what you understand about him. He may need a more abrupt sequence of events, ending perhaps in you not talking to him at all, for him to get it. Everyone needs time to get over somebody and just because you may be ready to move on, doesn’t mean that he is.

It is a question of boundaries, and at the moment it sounds like you do not have any. You must establish some boundaries, so that when he asks you what you have been up to, you can politely let him know that that is none of his business. Be careful not to fall into the trap of avoiding conversations that you know will hurt him. Friendships work because the people involved feel free enough around each other to be honest. If there are any topics that you do not feel free enough to discuss with him, then can you really be friends? Or, is it more a case of appeasing him, preventing him getting hurt further so you get to keep him in your life under your terms.

Is it possible that although you say you are ready to divorce, you are not ready to be with what that actually means, i.e. the loss and support of the father of your child; putting yourself back into the dating ‘meat market’.  You may also be worried about him meeting someone else and moving on. Because what would you do then? 

The answer lies just beyond the cliff top, in a place you cannot yet see. Trust in yourself and in your good judgement, and

close your eyes,

take a deep breath,

and…

Good luck

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Question: When it comes to grieving, I turn to religion for guidance and comfort, but my fiancé isn’t religious. How do I help him through a difficult time without pushing my religious views on him?

Answer:

It seems to me that being religious gives you the perfect opportunity to be there for your loved one, but not necessarily in the way you think. Grieving can be a personal experience until the person feels strong enough to share and so firstly respect whichever way he chooses to initially grieve. Some people find religion at these times and some people do not. If he does, then you have the perfect in, if not then slowly introduce aspects into the equation that you think may help and remember you are not looking to convert anybody here!

What is more important is to be there for him in whichever way you can. Let him see that he has someone who is ready to listen and provide comfort, letting him know that he has all of your attention. Even those who are not religious can get angry at God when suffering a loss or trying times. Some people believe but choose not to practice and as a religious woman you shouldn’t judge him if this happens and neither should you make his views mean something about you.

On the reverse, your partner should also respect your views on religion. It works both ways and I would think that him being with you means that he accepts what your spiritual beliefs are. This opens up the question of what your relationship is based on and as long as you have the basic principles you should be okay.

But is there perhaps something deeper going on here? Does the fact that he is non religious bother you? Do you find it embarrassing when out with other religious friends? Does it make him a sinner or blasphemer in your eyes? It is important that you get to the bottom of exactly how you feel about this, maybe take this opportunity to talk about his views on religion. A lot of us do believe in something but do not tend to like organized religions, for whatever reason.

You obviously love your partner and want to be there for him should bad news come, in which case does it really matter what his religious beliefs are? At the end of the day, what is more important is that you are there for him in his hour of need, and you do not need a bible to be able to this. Remember why you are together in the first place and focus on these things that bind you, not on the things that get in the way.

Good Luck

by Austin Kentebe 

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Question: I have a friend who is extremely self- conscious and has very low self-esteem. How do I help her realize that she is a beautiful person inside and out?

Answer:

You are truly a compassionate friend.

Stay focused on encouraging your friend, not trying to fix her.

You can tell your friend time and time again that she possess beauty in all its dimensions, but if SHE does not believe, feel and experience her own splendor – your words will fall on deaf ears.

I am not a clinician, but I can guess that your friend may be struggling with poor self-image and lack of confidence.

I remind all my sisters and brothers to cultivate what I call your LOVE FORCE. There are others that might call LOVE FORCE, SELF-LOVE.  We must nurture and cherish the love that comes from within.  Self-love is one of the most essential elements for living well.  We’ve got to love ourselves into healthy.  It is not about self-absorption or narcissism.  We must love ourselves with activities and people that will feed us. We must love ourselves enough to say no to the activities and people that will drain us or do us harm.

As a caring friend, the best you can do is suggest that your friend begins to see trained (a minister, therapist, rabbi, imam, priest, spiritual leader or mental health professional) healer if her low self-esteem is getting in the way of her quality of life such as securing and maintaining employment, eating too much or too little or disconnecting from family and friends. For all the assistance you can provide, your friend might need the support of a qualified practitioner.

Continue to recognize the beauty you see in yourself and in your friend. In our modern society, we are quick to talk about what does not work. We are big on criticizing ourselves and each other.  I gently ask you to be courageous and love yourself and your friend to LIFE.

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QUESTION:  I am an African American Woman and I am dating a white man and everywhere we go we get looked at negatively and it makes him insecure and not want to go out anymore, what can I do to help him out to not strain our relationship.

ANSWER:  Is the real problem that he is uncomfortable dating a woman of colour, or that he simply doesn’t like attention when he is out? The fact that you are dating in the first place must suggest that he already has knowledge of the potential pitfalls, so maybe the problem lies elsewhere. Further probing is necessary. Where are you going out; what is it exactly that bothers him about the looks; do you get looks from both blacks and whites?

But in the same way that he is making a point of what he is going through, are you perhaps ignoring these valid issues? Why aren’t you bothered by these looks? Could you be overcompensating, just to make a point? is the ‘black experience’ behind your defiance against this outdated social bigotry?

One way to help him is by talking, openly and honestly about his concerns. It’s possible that your partner is harbouring feelings about something else or perhaps using this reason as an excuse to get out of the relationship, or stay indoors! I mean, we do live in the 21^st century, at a time when mixed relationships are pretty much the norm. Now, you may live in a place where such relationships are still slightly taboo, but if not there is no real reason as to his behaviour stemming from outside influence, no, it would suggest an inner struggle that he may be having coming to terms with the reality of dating across cultures or dating, full stop. If it is to do with where you live or go out, then maybe, if the love is serious enough, you should consider moving to a place where you can both be happy or, and more radically, facing up to the stares and funny looks, as pioneering mixed couples in the past have had to do.  

Let him know the reason why you are unconcerned and seemingly unaffected by these looks. He may just need reassurance from you that takes into account that part of you that feels the same way as he does and may wonder how you can be defiant, not defeated by it. As an ethnic minority you are probably used to sideways looks and glances whereas he is not. Help him to fit into a more cosmopolitan culture thereby allowing him to feel a part of a world he probably knows little about.

After all of this, if he is still feeling insecure being out with you, then this relationship is probably doomed. Look at what you really want from a partner and be honest about what is more important. Don’t settle for anything less and never underestimate the importance of culture in a relationship.

Good luck.

~by Austin Kentebe

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QUESTION: A friend recently told me that she is being physically and emotionally abused by her man. She begged me not to tell anyone. What should I do?

ANSWER:

I am so concerned for you, your friend and your friend’s man. This situation must be handled with tender loving care.

If you have a solid relationship with your friend, you will sit down and talk with her…immediately. Let her know with kindness that you love her and want the best for her.  I know that you promised her that you would not talk about her abuse, but your silence in the long run may put her at even more risk.

Let us be clear you friend is experiencing domestic violence. Domestic violence is not only a spiritual, psychological and emotional violation, but it is a crime.  Your friend must address this issue on every level.

Here is the definition of domestic violence according to The National Center for Victims of Crimes:

“Domestic violence constitutes the willful intimidation, assault, battery, sexual assault or other abusive behavior perpetrated by one family member, household member, or intimate partner against another. In most state laws addressing domestic violence, the relationship necessary for a charge of domestic assault or abuse generally includes a spouse, former spouse, persons currently residing together or those that have within the previous year, or persons who share a common child. In addition, as of 2007, a majority of states provide some level of statutory protection for victims of dating violence.”

Some things should not be kept a secret.

If your friend is connected to a particular spiritual practice, urge her to make an appointment with her rabbi, priest, minister, yogi, imam or other spiritual advisor. 

Next, ask your friend to consider visiting with a therapist, social worker or mental health professional. It might be a good idea for your friend to understand more about the foundation of her abusive relationship, receive more legal guidance and then she might be able to be more proactive in her healing process.

Get educated, learn more and educate others about domestic violence, go to: http://www.ncvc.org/.

Finally, let your friend know that you will make yourself available for as a support system. Do all you can to be there for her, accompany her to appointments or just sit and listen to her.

May all concerned live and love themselves into a life filled with peace and joy.

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QUESTION:  How, if at all do I tell a friend that I know, without a doubt, that her boyfriend is cheating on her?

ANSWER: You are dear and caring friend.  Deciding whether or not to tell your friend about an unfaithful boyfriend can be one of the most difficult tasks you will ever experience during your lifetime.

Be sure, very sure that you have your facts straight. Do you recall the old adage “Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see?” Be certain about what you have heard and seen.   You don’t want to be a promoter of idle gossip.  Most importantly, you don’t want to jeopardize your friendship.

Be mindful about your message.   Depending on the strength and health of your relationship with your friend, you can take one of two approaches:

LET THE COUPLE SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEM, SAY NOTHING

Don’t offer advice if it is not solicited.   

WARNING: DANGER AHEAD

If during the course of knowing “without a doubt” that your friend’s boyfriend is cheating and you have PERSONALLY witnessed her boyfriend in romantic situations with another woman with great sensitivity and care, provide a warning to your friend.  You can say (in a quiet environment with just the two of you), “I need to tell you something.  I ask you to keep this conversation confidential, between you and me.  I love you as a friend, but I must let you know I saw your man romantically interacting with another woman last week.” There is no way for me to know the whole story behind their interaction nor should I, but I felt that as your true friend, I needed to share this information with you.  It is up to you what you will do with this information.” At the end of the conversation, let your friend decide what she needs to do. Don’t assign blame, guilt, shame or judgment.

May everyone concerned find their best voice and peace of mind.

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QUESTION: My friend is a buzz-kill. Whenever I’m excited about something (a new job, a new beau, etc.) she immediately points out the risks involved. Is she just being practical or is she bringing on negative energy?

ANSWER:

It depends.

When we meet people for the first time or if we have known someone for years, we are trying to learn more about that person. Moreover, we don’t know what hurts, disappointments, challenges and unresolved issues a person carries with them on their life journey.

Have you observed any communication patterns with your friend? When you tell your friend about a new job and she begins to rant about the recession and how you might not have a job next year, does she just complain and blow hot air or does she provide you with pragmatic career advancement ideas?  Listen beyond the words. Pay attention to tone and manner when your friend is speaking to you.

If your friend extends unsolicited advice to you about your career, your new love interest or other areas of your life she might have sincere concern for you or she might be projecting some of her anxiety on to you.  It is up to you to use your common sense and intuition. Recognize whether your friend is truly providing cautionary counsel or bringing you into her misery.

If you feel that your friend is bringing you down, you must speak with her clearly and directly and tell her to stop injecting negative energy into your conversations. If your friend still continues with less than helpful behavior, you might have to love your friend from a distance.

Go right ahead and be happy about your new job.  Go on and bask in the glow of love with your new beau. There are so many friends that mean well, but sometimes we must take the wisdom from our friends with some mindfulness. This is your life. Trust and understand that you know the difference between practical advice and buzz-kill. Let no one regulate or interfere with your joy.  

When you know better, you will do better.

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I married/divorced young. I’m now a 32 female back in the game. How can I tell if a guy likes me?

When you go out are you apprehensive around men? Are you carrying any baggage from your last relationship that has not yet been resolved? Are you comfortable talking to the opposite sex? Are you a wallflower, waiting for men to come to you? Whatever is happening, once you start to deal with the reasons behind it you will be in a clearer position to understand what is going on around you.

Being in a serious relationship so young may have had the effect of making you unaware of how to recognise the ‘come on’ signs and maybe also a little unsure as to what to do about them if you do notice them. The dating world may also have changed since you were last a part of that ‘scene’ and thus you may be out of date with what is okay to do, and what, if anything, is a total no no!

If on the other hand you are open, free and at ease with yourself and guys are still not feeling you, something else may be going on. Again you have to look at yourself to see if any part of your behaviour is perhaps not in synch with the people you are trying to attract. Are you too loud? Do you drink too much? Are you too opinionated? If guys are not interested in you then you need to ask yourself why the hell not?

So what can be done about it?

Focus on your strengths. On your side you have age, wisdom and the ability to talk straight, safe in the knowledge that you know what you now require in a relationship. Subconsciously you may be worried about being single at 32, but don’t let this get in the way. Be confident, happy and at peace with yourself and you will emit the positive energy that guys out there will pick up on, and if guys are picking up on it that means they are noticing you.

So how can you tell?

If you want to get practical, get a book on Body language. Even the most basic tips can help and they will give you something to look out for until you can trust that inner voice of yours. It is also a good idea to people watch in a bar, club or restaurant. Finally there is nothing stopping you asking the question directly. You don’t have to wait for a particular guy to tell you he is interested, you can get out there and tell him first!

Good luck

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Everyday my boyfriend calls me complaining about his job. How do I make him happy?

First of all you can’t necessarily make him happy, and it’s not really your job to. I say this because happiness is a choice we make as individuals; we choose to be happy or unhappy, period, and as much as we think others influence this decision, they do not. Because we always look for things to make us feel something good- money, etc. – we do not often realise that emotions come from within us, first and foremost, and we are in full control of them.

If your boyfriend is unhappy at work, you, first of all, need to know what is making him so unhappy that he feels the need to complain about it every day. Yes, complaining is a symptom of unrest, but also bear in mind that people who complain are not always looking for a solution. They get something from complaining. This could be sympathy from you, understanding from others, a friendly ear…the list is endless. If you buy into someone’s complaints they will often complain for a whole lot longer than necessary.

So what can you do?

Offer a friendly ear, suggest solutions, and see what happens. If your great advice is ignored and the complaints continue, then the real problem is probably not his job, and when you think about it, this makes sense because a job is an inanimate object (kind of like complaining about a football or a biscuit!). What he is possibly unhappy about is what you need to know, and this could be reflective of his position in life. For some people, jobs illustrate where they are in life. Not earning enough or not being in the right position could lead to complaining. The main point is that he may be unhappy about himself.

When it comes to making him happy, in short, you can’t. What is more important is to get to the source of his complaints and here you will need to think outside the in order to really see what his real issues are.

It sounds like he has a sounding board in you but do not take on his issues- they are not yours. Yes, you may feel for him but when these phone calls start to take over your day, it is time for them to stop. He is a big man who may just need to take control of his life so that when he calls, he is talking about happy things instead.

Good luck.

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