For many couples the experience of parenting is a natural next step on the path to marital bliss—almost to the point where there’s little to no conversation about it other than, “when?”

 

This was certainly true in my case. And lucky for me, biology was on my side. Which, made me the envy of several friends who hadn’t counted on infertility. Nobody does. In fact, most of us women grow up with a positive pregnancy test as a beacon. Fortunately, none of them let their very intimate battle with Mother Nature get in the way of a good marriage. Proof that life without kids can be fulfilling, albeit a touch bittersweet at times.

 

But what about couples who don’t want children? Women in particular, who have exciting careers and enjoy traveling—both all over the world and up the ladder of whatever industry they’re in. You know the headline, Children vs. Career: A Difficult  Choice.

 

Maybe not.

 

Explains Tonya Burress, a 33-year-old broadcast producer working and living in NYC, “People assume it’s a ‘choice,’ but as far back as I can remember, I never had a desire to have children.”

 

This was a fact she made clear to her husband Charles back when they were on their third date.

 

“Things were feeling good, so I needed to know what his position was. If he wanted kids, we’d have had to say good-bye then and there.”

 

The conversation ended with a fourth date in place. Not once in 12 years, 5 of them married, has the question—or decision—haunted them. For Burress’ parents it was another story, but somewhere after the couple’s fifth anniversary, they let up.

 

The unexpected piece of the story is that both Tonya and Charles LOVE kids. They’ve got gobs of nieces and nephews, and plenty of friends who moonlight as parents. More often than not, there’s a minor in the house. And, Tonya has five siblings.

 

“My mom always wanted six kids, and my dad never said ‘No.’” Laughing, she adds, “And then she went and opened a daycare center!”

 

The idea of not wanting children is hard to understand for some, especially those who want to so badly, but can’t.

 

Says Burress, “Even before I met Charles, I felt satisfied about my life. WITH him, I feel even more complete. It’s not that I don’t like children; I just feel complete with my job, my husband, my friends, that there is no yearning.”

 

Being clear and upfront has made a difference in the success of their relationship.

 

People tend to be afraid to have this conversation, but it’s better to have it—and to have it early on. If you wait till after you’ve tied the knot, there’s a chance the outcome will be a marriage in ruins. And if either of you are wishy-washy, you need to take a hard look at that. People love to tell you ‘he’ll change, you’ll change,’ but trust me, nine out of 10 people won’t change.

 

It’s not just choosing career over mommyhood, it’s choosing the lifestyle that you’ll share with your partner. “I honestly have never thought about it,” says Burress. “Whether I had a great career or not, I just haven’t felt that tug. Sure it’s been good for my career—I can work late, travel readily—but it didn’t pull at me the way it does some women. And I feel grateful for not having to be weighed down with those emotions.”

 

Certainly Burress understands the dilemma, and the pain women feel who are unable to bear children. Her advice to those who can, but aren’t sure though, is “be sure. If you’re struggling to ‘decide,’ you need to spend more time with it.

 

by Dawn Else Warden

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