Twenty-Two Things No One Ever Told You About Parenting

Parenthood is a crazy adventure, with the “crazy” part being you, because generally speaking, that’s exactly where your kids will drive you. I know, because I have five of them. And, like a great amusement park ride, there are plenty of thrills and death-defying feats.

There will be days when your heart will spill over with gratitude and love, and others where you’ll be sitting in your car crying because you can’t believe what your child said to you.

You’ll get looks from strangers questioning why you can’t control your kids, and you’ll also get compliments on their manners and behavior from other parents and teachers. You’ll just wonder whose child they’re talking about.

You’ll get so angry, you’ll want to throw something, but you’ll also melt when your teenage son gives you a hug and a kiss in front of his buddies, or when your daughter, now taller (and bustier) than you, sits in your lap and throws her arms around you—just before she asks for a twenty.

There’s no playbook for parenthood, and there are no rules. (Take that mother-in-law!) Do remember to thank your parents. Once you’ve spent a few years with your own brood, you’ll quickly realize what your parents put up with, and that a parent’s best revenge is when their kids have kids. So, if you’ve got the stomach – or one of those little angels growing in your belly – here’s some free advice to hold onto:

Twenty (two) things no one tells you about parenthood…

1. Giving birth hurts. A lot.

2. There are no days off.

3. Benedryl does not have the same effect on all kids. If your doctor tells you to give your child some, be prepared to stay up all night watching Disney movies.

4. The maturity rate on your ROI gets longer with the onset of puberty. If you’re lucky, your child will turn into a pleasant, grateful, thoughtful, responsible, and kind adult.

5. When they’re older (read: teens) you WILL swear in front of, and occasionally at, your children. And they will swear back.

6. Annoying personality traits do not skip generations. Look at yourself, then at your parents.

7. You will spoil your children. And then yell at them for acting spoiled.

8. You will buy your clothing at Target so your kids can buy clothes at Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters, J. Crew, Fossil, or whatever “it” store your mall has.

9. You will have moments when you are certain that aliens have inhabited your children’s bodies and turned them against you.

10. Eventually your children will discover that you’re not perfect—and you won’t care.

11. Your children will have fevers of 104 degrees and you will know exactly what to do.

12. Your social life won’t end.

13. You will drink too much and have to get up after only three hours of sleep. You’ll vow never to do it again, but you will.

14. If you celebrate Christmas, you will be sadder than you expect when your children stop believing in Santa Clause.

15. When they’re infants and toddlers, you will sing everything.

16. Your role in the first 18 years of your children’s lives centers around one goal: keeping them alive.

17. You will laugh at inappropriate behavior in the middle of scolding your children.

18. Mother’s intuition (sorry dads) is a parent’s true north.

19. You will be filled with incredible amounts of love for your children at the most unexpected times, like when your son brings you his dead pet lizard.

20. When their hearts break, so will yours.

21. Your sex life won’t end. That’s why every family has one “surprise.”

22. They grow up, but they never leave the payroll.