With the winter and holiday season looming ahead, it’s easy to forget to appreciate the things we have, especially when it comes to our love lives. For single ladies, that could be putting undue pressure on themselves to find a man, taking the focus off of their “status” or being afraid to step back into the dating game.

So, how does a single or paired-up lady remember to take care of herself this season? To get to the heart of it, I spoke with Dr. Paulette Murphy, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with experience in individual, couples and group therapy. Dr. Murphy, who leads workshops in New York City called “Single and Dating in the City,” recently shared some good insights to keep in mind this season and year-round for the single lady:

Q: We often forget to be thankful during the year, which is what the holidays help remind us to do. What would you say to the woman that’s down about being single?

A: I think some of why some single women are down in general is because they don’t know how to enjoy being single.  Being single is a great time in your life; take the time to enjoy it.  If you are only focused on getting a man, then you will be down if you don’t have one.  A man should accent your life, not be your life.  Doing what you want when you want and not having to worry about anyone else is a luxury.  So decorate your apartment like you like or eat salad all week to save to buy those expensive boots you have been eyeing. Single women should be thankful they have their freedom, can spend time focusing on themselves, and that finding love is a process.  So enjoy all the kissing, laughing and dancing ahead!

Q: What pressures do women put on themselves to meet the one?

A:  A list of some of the pressures includes:

1. I can’t be happy without a man
2. I am a failure because I don’t have a man
3. My Mom was married by 30
4. All my friends have a man
5. I am the last one to get married
6. My birthday is coming and I don’t have a man
7. The holidays are coming and I am alone

There is nothing wrong with being focused on dating and finding a mate.  The problem is when women are not well rounded and not trying to work on other areas of their lives too!  

I think men can smell desperation a mile away and this ends up being a barrier to finding someone to love.  Asking too many questions on a first date about a man’s views on marriage, why they are single, how many kids they want, can turn a potential suitor off.

The question women should be asking themselves is if they are ready to date physically, financially, professionally and emotionally ready to date. I believe that if you are ready, they will come!

Q: With the holidays coming near, it can be hard for a single lady. What tips do you have to make sure she’s having fun and taking care of herself but not hung up on her “single” status?

A: In preparation for the Holidays, single women should engage in what I call positive planning.  They should think about and plan activities with friends and family in advance.  Invite family into town, especially young kids!  Nothing beats getting unlimited kisses and hugs from your cousins, nephews and nieces who think you are great!!!  Ladies should also start getting their look together (weight, hair, outfits), so they can look and feel as confident as they can during the Holiday Season.  Remember, holiday parties can be a great place to meet Mr. Right!

Q: For the woman that may be hesitant to “get in the game” — what do you say?

A: I would say, you have to be in it to win it.  Acknowledge that it is scary, but take baby steps to prepare themselves mentally to take that step.  I would also add, have fun!  Men are like buses; there is always another one in a few minutes.  So don’t worry if you feel you made a mistake, or missed an opportunity. Dating is a learning experience, and your mission is to discover what you like and dislike in a man.  My Workshop, Single and Dating in the City was created for women who want a fun supportive way to start understanding the dating game and to come up with a strategy.  The Workshop helps women find other women who are like-minded supportive and understanding.

For more about Dr. Murphy and her sessions in the city, visit singleanddatinginthecity.com!

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