The Pros and Cons of Transracial Adoption

From the perspective of women who find it much easier to get pregnant than not, it seems incredibly daunting to ponder the issue of transracial adoption. Certainly the idea of adopting makes perfect sense, not only for women who cannot get pregnant, but also for women—and men—who simply want to make a difference in the life of a family-less child.

For as many women out there who can’t conceive, there are as many, if not more, children without biological mothers and fathers. But until recently, many would-be parents—particularly Caucasian families who generally have a socio-economic advantage in the adoption game—have pursued children of the same race, rather than face the challenges of raising a child that doesn’t look like them or have the same cultural and racial heritage.

The reality is that the high demand for Caucasian children has made it difficult for adoption agencies to match white applicants with white children, and in turn has led to a rise in transracial adoptions. For individuals and couples struggling to become a “family,” coloring outside the lines of conventional thinking has been the only solution available to them. But for others, adopting children from a different race has stemmed from a desire to take care of those who are disadvantaged and who are also less likely to get adopted.

All research supports the belief that an orphaned child will have an enriched life by being part of a family unit, regardless of skin color. From a “giving back” perspective, transracial adoptions are a great way for a childless family to achieve parenthood while doing some good in the world.

Whatever the reasons, adopting a child of a different race can be a tremendously positive experience. However, there are some very specific types of problems that the adoptive family may face, and some challenges that they will have to overcome that parents who adopt a child of the same race don’t necessarily have to worry about.

For Danielle Gletow, who lives in Trenton, NJ with her husband Joe and two daughters, Mia and Lily, this meant dealing with her family’s, and many of her friends’, negative reaction to news that they were adopting an African American baby.

“Our situation was different,” says Gletow. “We actually chose adoption over having children biologically, which gave my parents enough of a shock. When we made the big announcement that we’d gotten approved for adoption—it was at a big family barbecue we were hosting—there was dead silence.” Says Gletow, “A friend actually followed me into the kitchen and said, ‘You know you might get a black one, right?’”

Gletow, with brown hair and blue eyes, and her husband, with red hair and green eyes, hoped they would—and did.

But the biggest surprise of all came two weeks after getting Mia, when Gletow found out she was pregnant. This created an even more difficult situation for her with the family, who had already accused her of wearing rose-colored glasses, and now worried that she wouldn’t be able to handle the challenges of raising two children who were not only from different races, but also eight months apart.

Even a caseworker at the foster care facility came at her accusingly. “How do you think you’re going to raise a black child?” Of course to her, this was not quite as bad as, “How are you going to know what to feed her?”

While some opponents to transracial adoptions might believe that “other race” parents are not equipped to adequately care for the unique needs of children who are racially different in terms of hair and skin color, Gletow sees this as “ridiculous.” She also refutes another common misconception that transracially adopted children won’t learn about their culture or be able to develop positive, healthy self-images.

“My husband and I ensure that there are always dolls of all colors in the house and that we give the girls books and let them watch shows that represent different races. And whenever possible, we try to ensure those shows include many races interacting as opposed to one race or another. We both also listen to a very diverse mix of music and expose the kids to lots of different types of food. I think we lived a very diverse lifestyle before we had kids so it wasn’t very difficult to keep it up.”

One thing she’s very conscious of—thanks to advice from her African-American families—is not to put Mia in a bubble. Right now she and younger sister Lily still have controlled exposure to the outside world. Once they start going to school though, Gletow worries that other kids will make both sisters feel like there is something wrong with them being different-looking.

“I feel like if I continue to reinforce how much we all love each other…that they will be able to handle the silly or mean things kids might say. We address them head on now when we hear them. We try to explain why someone might say something like, ‘How can they be sisters if they are different colors?’”

The one side of transracial adoption that many don’t take under consideration is how it benefits the whole family, not just the adopted child. For Linda Derbyshire of Havertown, PA, this has been one of the most rewarding aspects of adopting.

“Nora has been such a gift. She has taught my children and my husband and I that love is truly color blind,” she says.

Nora, who is from China, has three siblings, all of whom are Derbyshire’s biological children. Referring to the older sibs as “red-headed leprechauns,” Derbyshire says there’s no mistaking that Nora is different then her siblings.

“Because we cannot ‘hide’ the fact that Nora is adopted, we have chosen to be very open with her. My biological children don’t see Nora as Chinese. They just see her as their sister. We feel very comfortable with our families’ complexion that we no longer notice the stares from strangers as they try and figure out how Nora fits in.”

One thing that has been difficult for Derbyshire is that she’s not ready to embrace her ‘difference.’ In their attempt to immerse the family in Asian culture, the Derbyshires quickly realized that it was easier for them than their daughter. “Nora was uncomfortable in situations where she was with other Asian children and being identified as being different from her siblings. She was more comfortable in our family/friend environment. As she gets older we continue to offer Nora opportunities to immerse herself in her heritage, but we’ll follow her lead. My hope for her is to find her acceptance of herself for who she is and not for where she is from.”

As comfortable as both Derbyshire and Gletow are in their roles of raising children from different races, reigning opinion supports the fact that race does matter. But by accepting these children into their homes and attempting to learn about each other’s culture and to grow stronger in their stance against racism and prejudice, both moms are taking a proactive step in a racially-divided world that someday, may have a huge impact towards true integration.

Says Gletow, “There are lots of ways to make a family. We don’t pretend like we’re not different; we just make sure that we celebrate it, not hide it. Whatever the experts think, to me race or ethnicity isn’t the only thing that defines a person. It’s focusing on the whole person that creates the type of environment that can be successful, fulfilling, and productive for anyone.”

Written by Dawn Elyse Warden.