Your Gay Best Friend

Picture this. A simply fabulous and witty gay best friend (GBF) and a heterosexual, just-as-fabulous damsel in distress shopping together on Madison Avenue. If you turn on your television, you are guaranteed to see a variety of these types onscreen. This portrayal has leapt beyond the small screen into reality where some women actually say, “I need a gay best friend!” or “I need a gay in my life!” But why? Does that mean women also go around saying that they need a heterosexual friend, a Latina friend, or a bisexual friend? Why has the gay man become the center of a heterosexual woman’s life? Since when has having a gay friend in your circle make you cool? And since when is a gay man’s friendship the next best thing to owning the newest spring collection from Fashion Week?

The terminology often used for women who clutch onto their GBF like a Louis Vuitton Speedy bag is “fag hag”. These are women that are in need of fashion advice and relationship guidance with a male perspective, but take it to an extreme level. Many women feel that the gay best friend is the best of both worlds because they are able to get a male point of view, talk about the latest fashion trends (a stereotype that all gay men love fashion), while still not crossing the line of having a sexual relationship. “I purposely befriend gay men. Having a gay best friend allows me to have male friends. With heterosexual male friends there is always that underlying idea that he may only be my friend for the sake of leveraging the friendship to a romantic relationship,” says Aubrey Williams*.

Somewhere in all of the hype, the GBF has become something of a stereotype: a sassy figure that has a finger on the pulse of all things fabulous, well-versed in fashion do’s and don’ts, while giving great advice at a drop of a dime. In a recent article, 11 Ways to Feel Beautiful, on Oprah’s website the author cites a study that states that having a gay best friend can basically boost your self esteem.

Recent research shows that our social networks have a profound effect on our behaviors and attitudes, including how we perceive our appearance. “It’s hard to feel good about your looks if you’re surrounded by people who criticize their own,” says Etcoff. “Spend time around people who are confident in their bodies, and you’ll find yourself following suit.” And if you don’t already have a few gay men in your circle of friends, you might want to add some. A study published last year in the journal Body Image found that friendships with gay men can elevate women’s confidence about their own bodies.

The first portion of this tip advising women to be around those that are comfortable in their skin is right on target. However, it is a little disturbing that it is encouraged to befriend a person based upon their sexuality to boost one’s own self esteem. Nora Michaelson* explains, “My friendship with my friend, who just happens to be gay, is authentic. I don’t parade him around like a Berkin bag, and he doesn’t show me off like I’m his Barbie doll. It’s absolutely ludicrous to hear women say they want a gay best friend or gay husband. It seems as if they think that they will be able to save them from fashion disaster by waving a gay wand. My friend is my friend because he is honest, hilarious, and shows me respect.”

Gay, straight, bi-sexual, or whatever box checked, it shouldn’t matter what one’s sexual orientation is. The true essence of a friendship should be evaluated based on compassion and chemistry, not one’s sexuality. Bond with people that you find a true connection with. One should be in friendships that are supportive, encouraging, and not based upon whether or not he/she can tell the difference between an authentic Prada bag and a knockoff!