QUESTION:

I have been seeing someone for a couple of months, but I suspect he may really be gay; I like him and I don’t want to offend him, should I ask him if he is gay?

ANSWER:

A fear of a potential or existing partner’s true sexual orientation is a mounting concern for women these days. No heterosexual woman wants a beau who wishes to borrow her Gucci carry-on for a long weekend excursion with Dontrell because it matches his honeysuckle yellow loafers fabulously! The phenomena of the “Down Low” brother (men who lead openly heterosexual lives but are closeted gays) is a quagmire that is seemingly rampant, although I suspect much like Swine Flu, it is exacerbated more by pandemic fears than actual occurrence… that and Wendy Williams. But what are you to do if you are suspect of your partner’s sexuality? Provided you wish not to conjoin with a man sharing dual citizenship with the warring nations of Heterozakistan and Homosackistan, how do you beg the question without completely upsetting the balance of your relationship?

Firstly, it is no longer taboo to have that question asked. Men understand times have changed and the homosexual lifestyle is more public than ever before. Tact is necessary however when addressing any subject that is sensitive in nature. Ever heard the term “It’s not what you say but how you say it?” The intonation used when inquiring says a lot about your preconceived ideas of what you believe the answer should be i.e. “Are you gay?” is not the same as saying “You ain’t gay, are you?” Chances are he is not going to reveal his alternate lifestyle if he has chosen to keep it a secret but especially not if your methods are crude and sure to upset any man, straight or gay. The following questions are not to be asked:

1. Have you ever been in a three way with no women involved?

2. What’s your favorite color fuchsia or magenta?

3. What’s your favorite movie, The Devil Wears Prada or Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood?

4. Why you always gotta act so gay you Gaylord!?

The volatility homosexuals incur when they do attempt to lead openly gay lifestyles adds more fuel to the fire. Talks of homosexuality being an abomination under God and statements of that nature makes closeted homosexuals want to stay closeted. Restricting their rights constitutionally or otherwise make it that much harder (See Proposition 8). Can you imagine if a majority of people treated you like you a leper because you loved vanilla ice cream? This is not to say that homosexuality is a choice but I imagine it is so much easier to just say you prefer chocolate than to be ostracized, all the while weeping uncontrollably in the closet with a gallon of Turkey Hill Vanilla Bean.

Questioning a man’s sexuality san proof is predicated mainly on behaviors deemed socially inconsistent with hetero norms.  Make sure your “Gaydar” is calibrated appropriately before engaging in any inquisitions. Not every man in a pink Prada pullover is involved in a pansie scheme.

There are many instances in a relationship where you will have to address issues which are wholly uncomfortable. You beau is not going to like your mother or your morning breathe may be to die from or a myriad of other issues that will offend sensibilities and bruise egos when mentioned. What is viewed as a painful in the short term however is most often beneficial in the long run and strengthens the overall relationship.

Communication is essential. If your man is honest and sure of himself, he will laugh it off (hopefully). Given the amount of times he has asked you for a threesome, he has no right to be offended, and of course that argument won’t work in the double standard dating universe but you are free to try.

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